Friday, June 29, 2007

my whole week in short sentences..

Monday morning got to my office at 7:45am...the one and only time,yeeppeh!..the rest of the week was downhill , in short naija time was in charge , i swiped my card 8:07am.God save me from waking up late....

Tuesday, Fell down 2 1/2 times, tuesday 12pm, and also 4:30pm: my boss brought an exercise ball, to work cos her ass was hurtin..(she is pregnant). anyway me and my "i 2 kno, started doin exercises on the ball and showin everyone in the office different forms of exercise,and thats how the stupid ball started rolling all over the place, i couldn't get my balance, and i was doing a certain move..(see the picture at the side bar) and before my very very eyes, i was seeing my self,without any time to think and i switched to yoruba straight ....yepa idi mi o!, am going down, thats how i fell yakata all over the floor...and tippin over everything in my path..this included, tables, chairs..everything.
bad enuf, i fell, then the Hr director came to see me, and was asking what happened, so stupid me i got back on the ball to show her how i fell down..( ..olodo) and of course..i fell down again, hit my desk, and some least i did not scream anythin out in local girl.

Wednesday, Danced on top of the table, i have a ridiculous habit of jumping on tables and dancing if i hear i song i like,..hmnnn i wonder, maybe i have a hidden ambition to have a career related to tabletop dancin..wink! lol. anyway my homie knows i like the "roll it girl" song ..(currently playing on my blogg), so when i was at his place, he played the song , i jumped on the table...shaking my useless flat, ass as much as it could possible shake(yeah rite, shakin what my mama gave, so this stupid boy did not tell me the table was broken.(they like playin pranks on me)...and again i fell yakata, at least he caught me before i reached the ground..haha

Thursday, Broke my big toe nail..i really should stop hangin out with guys, anyway we bought a soccer ball, and as usual, i was the only girl that wanted to play soccer with the guys..(p.s the girls were all doin shakara) i did not bring my sneakers, so i decided to go au-naturel aka no shoes, bad move i kno, but i wanted to play so badly and i refuse to play with my very cute red shoes..haha,

anyway sha this boy refused to leave the ball and me am the defender, anyway he kicked me so hard , that he broke my toenail, i did not even scream, true!, but you trust me to 2 , i did not gree.. my team won the game...i retaliated using my, anytime a guy was comming towards me, i just acted like i was goin to pull up my tank top..haha, it distracted power!

Friday, very happy with my mum.. finally she called me at 7:30am, i was really getting tired of the 4 am phone calls, and i warned her that i would just become, like the typical naija, that dosent pick up phone calls, if she calls me that early again, haba, i just slept at 12midnight and 4 hours later, i am supposed to have a meaningfull way!
anyway the phone call was usual, she passed the phone to everyone in the house to talk to me, even if i did not remember them, she asked about any husband prospects..( my answer , none..!lol), she reported my younger sister to me, like i can do anything from here, she reported her driver to me , cos he took too much takeaway food at an owamabe party they went to, ..she continued this point i tuned her off, i love my mum, but damn! she talks!....after like 15 mins of tuning her off, then she prayed for me,....yeah! that i like,if God should score prayers, my mum's prayers is like an A++, it practically scares the devil, from even thinking about harming me.true!

Friday lunchtime, shot just 1 guy down, shooting is the term i use for turning guys down.The total rating points for a date 100 this guy was okay, he was taller than me, add 2o points to his score, he was good lookin..not exceptionally fine that i wanted to commit suicide!, add another 10points to his score, he was religious 30 more points to his score,he talked about his mum..add a bonus 10 points, he dressing was sharp and on point ..a correct 20 points no, he said i looked like i was 18yrs old....40 bonus points..haha he made my 26yr old head swell.. then the story turned sour, he said he is "looking to go back to skool"..yepa no education, -40 from his points, he just moved back from Atlanta, he is lookin for a , dat automatically is -80 from the scores, and he is 24 rys old..dammit , that a -20 from the score... this is not looking good.

...and so it was with deep regret, that i had to shoot the boy down, when he asked for my number, i gently, without any form of shakara told him, that it wont be a good idea, cos i kno i wont pick up his calls,..he was so cool about it,he said he understands, and he hopes the next guy i date will be charmin and respects me...damn, he is mature, add 150 bonus points back to his points, but i have already turned him down...damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! stupid girl,thats why you don't have a boyfriend yet....hahaha

Spent 2 hours on the phone: i got a call all the way from naija, from a very special person, and i so badly want to talk about it, but i know i will get in trouble so , i am not goin to blogg about this..sorry guys

Monday Excise: no form of exercise what so ever, i am very happy and gave my self a treat, i fit into my size 4 jeans.....yeah men, toyintomato's shape is on point,figure 8 here i come..move over tyra and naomi...haha

and thats the summary of my week...this post really is too long, i will try to shorten it next time
(p.s thx for all the comments, and everyone for stoppin by, even the anonymouses...i can see you did i get the spellin of

Monday, June 25, 2007

The very complex relationship of Vinegar, Alum and wink!.. wink!

..okay , obviously i was very busy thru out this week end, i was reading this book" From the Sandbox to the Corner office" by Eve is really good, not the usual boring leadership books, it's about life lessons learnt by leaders, the job they would really love do, and it is written so well, no big words and the book is pretty small for a motivational book , for e.g .."someone else's 6 steps to success, might not necessarily be work for you" i couldn't put the book down to type on my blog.

so on saturday, at this picninc at the park, one of the aunty's of the host, this lady is 50yrs old, starts talkin about gettin on a pole, and she was doin the gyration moves..(i wasnt surprised,.. nothin shocks me nowadays)
thats how she continued to educate me how, if "things"..wink!..wink! start gettin loose downstairs , i should just wash down there with vinegar...chineke! , Ori mi oh! .what did this woman just say....while i was tryin not to act shocked, my brain was tryin hard to do the physics, chemistry, calculus, and even advanced mathematics of how vinegar could shrink the "you know what"..and again how did it slack, or better still do guys actually notice this..(p.s i wold appreciate guys comments here)

anyway as i was busy pondering the dynamics and chemical reaction of vinegar and our va-ja-jay..i remembered way back in naija ,how one of my family friends, broke up with his girlfriend for having "alum crystal in her handbag" he kept on saying "i cant believe it" she is cheating on me, the babe cried her eyes out that she loves him, and has never cheated in her life, she even was swearing with her bible...saying she wanted to give the bobo the best possible satisfaction he could possibly have.Poor girl, the guy did not agree to take her back, anyhow me and my busybody mouth , i kept on asking the girl how exactly do you use it, becos there really isnt a prescribed way to use it , its not like she bough it from the pharmacy with instructions on the packet. anyway the girl never answered me.

...thats was how ,my brain was wheeling with this vinegar story, but again i pondered , what is the politically correct way to ask for the application of this" wonderful drug" .don't worry the woman did not wait for me to ask, she continued her story on how you should run a bath, and put the vinegar in the water and just soak up in the bath...(i was impressed!)
...anyway, i did not get to hear the end of the story, one guy pulled me away give me his collection of dating lyrics dats how i missed out, but anyway which one is my own, original busybody, why do i need to know the application details of vinegar and alum crystal, am sure my va-ja-jay is on point.

(p.s i have put the link for the meaning of alum, it is usually used to clean the slimy stuff of snails back home in naija , or in boarding skools, it is used to clean a bucket of water.....that is officially the only use of alum i know..haha)

Thursday, June 21, 2007

this is 4 the girls..enjoy!.hmnnnnn

(am exhausted from work and could not type, so i took the easy way out and uploaded pics..sorry guys.)

girls, take you pick......
bachelor # 1: very dark chocolate stud!

bachelor # 2: go green! never mind the bush

bachelor # 3: still more bush hahaha

bachelor #4, soldier go , soldier

bachelor #5: shake dat booty.....!

bachelor #6, this is 4 the island in all of us...shaba!

bachelor #7: and we all kno who this is....

p.s: i bera stop here, before my blog burns up, too much heat..haha

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

why i miss home of my homie's asked me why exactly i miss home so bad, cos i am always singin that Dec 2008 i am goin to be in Lagos, so i decided to write it out..

1) i miss waking up to my neighbors fighting in the morning..i live in agege, the next house is a face me i face you..there is always drama
2) i miss gettin into the traffic jam on third mainland ,when i was working on the island
3) i miss all my escape attempts from armed robbers on the same bridge , when coming back home
4) i miss all the free lunch from my numerous toasters...poor guys , i only enjoyed the food
5) i miss how by 7pm nepa takes light, so i have to run and turn on our ever reliable generator.
6) i miss how i always looked forward to Tuesday prayer meeting at my church "fountain to life ilupeju..pastor bims i miss you gaan..
7) i miss how i missed landmark events in most of my family's life, i was the "fav aunty" b4 i came to this place.
8) i miss how on Friday i start gettin ready for a weddin ..yes i was a weddin owambe chic
9) i miss how i never get to eat food at the weddings and i always stop at tastee to eat cos am starving
10) i miss all the effort i take to pick the gift am goin to ha/give away at the weddin....
11) i miss how when i go shoppin at idumota..i bera hold my purse."well well"..hahaha
12) i miss dancing at owambe parties..and of course..the "sprayin", you shld see me komole, it is fantabulos, there is no comparison, i am the best komole dancer in my family.
13) i miss gettin up early to go to church, and meeting all the dramatic church people, at fountain
14) i miss ridin on an okada, fallin down on okada, being robbed from an short all okada related events!
15) i miss danfo drivers abusing and callin me "ashewo ta lo ra moto fun eh " becos i drive crazy..heck i grew up in agege, i gots to learn their driving skills.
16) i miss hanging out with my girls and gisting about old men and their old style lyrics to catch a cant imagine what i have heard..."orekelewa mo ma fi owo ba eje/you this girl i will use my money to finish you..lmao forgive my translation
17) i miss how we have so many public holidays back home and we actually do not have to go to work..e.g democarcy day, independence day, lagos island day,,whoever is in powers' birthday
18) i miss all the eatin out joints on Bankolemo, Lagos island, V.I, Anthony, GRA, secretariat, Ogba, ..i am tryin not to mention the names, cos most likely you would have met me
19) i miss goin to the cyber cafe, and seein all those sketchy characters doin you kno what?????.....
20) i miss how in Lagos life , you have to struggle for everything that comes to you.

21) best of all i miss my mummy, the one and only Mrs A, aka Mrs lecturer aka iya tsunami, aka Engr Mrs, or popularly known as Madamu..with heavy Yoruba
22) i miss my one and only kid sister, aka ** mama, aka kerosene cos she never sleeps and is constantly talkin every single minute, who also can beat me up with little effort, she is bigger than me, and i keep testin her..lmao .. thats another story entirely.
23) i miss my Grand mum aka Alhaja Eko, her constant prayers, her constant scheming and matchmaking me up with her friends kids, and how she lies to her friends that i don't understand Yoruba, so that she can laugh at their attempt to speak English and fhone with me..hahha..hahahahaha..very naughty old woman!
24) I miss my uncle "the Prof" , who threatened to beat me "a big babe then" in front of moremi hall , Ife, cos i did not report my pocket money expenses..haha
25) my other uncle for his very very deep pocket and his hugely settling capabilites, when i was as usual "always broke"..hahaha.the 500 naira notes was always ready and cripsy
26) all my aunts and their numerous datin advice , from their back in the days uni life aunty those things cant work now, this is 2008, no guy is gonna admire me for my ability to iron!
..oky this is gettin too long , so am gonna continue another day i feel in the mood

over here i wont say am lonely, cos dat aint true,i have so many friends and family, but its not the same, am 26 today, i am used to the Lagos way of life,maybe if i was younger, i could get used to this , but you cant teach an old goat new tricks, this goat wants to go home...i dont feel at peace here.
and that is why, come Dec 2008 , i am packing my bags and goin to sit at the airport, Muritalah Mohammed Airport , you bera get ready toyintomato is coming home!!!.

Monday, June 18, 2007

me and my stupid rule sef

..oky this is the gist, as i got out for lunch today, i saw my aka under gee aka booty call , popularly known as Dr Deep stroke, or in short Dr Deep , in the parkin lot.
he drove his car up me and shouted ..surprise!

see me see trouble, shey dis guy doesn't know am on lock down aka no sex (including dating)until November 11th, am doing the thing that boxers do, how they abstain from sex and other worldly pleasures before a match.
for me there is no match ,Nov 11th is my final exit and comprehensive exam and thesis defense of my very expensive masters in finance education.

oky back to the gist, i will not lie , i am hugely attracted to Dr deep, and i am wondering to my self , how this chic is goin to survive,anyway we arrange to hang out later on tonight(it is just hanging out , not a date)

anyway 5pm reach, i rush home, took a shower, changed my bedsheets, cleaned my room, put on my vanilla candles, did my laundry(..the dirty clothes were taking over my room)
and am still telling myself , i am on lock down, oh God pls save me...i am strong , i will resist the temptation
anyway now Dr Deep's, homie called and invited me over for dinner, i really want to go cos its free good food, and besides my roomate and her romeo her still doin romancing the stone, so i really need to leave this house...
hmmm i will continue this post later, i am goin for the dinner...or again maybe if i continue my cyber blogg stalkin time will pass and it will be 10pm..

..okay its 11:30pm and i am in my room alone, i made it, yes we flirted thru out the dinner party, at least i held it together, not actin like a crazed up chic.but i ran home as soon as i could....body no be wood jare

Sunday, June 17, 2007

i tire for my horny roomate

okay am sure everyone knows about how paper thin these American walls are(dey dont use concrete to build their walls here)
...lmao, here it goes, i know am going to get in trouble, but i really don't care.

so am sleeping je-jelly in my room, then i hear the arguments, i actually thot i was dreamin cos, my brain has been on overdrive lately.
i opened my eyes, and my clock says 4:48am, hmmmm this is gonna be interestin, in my area clubs close at 4am, so am pretty sure the homie was comin from a club, and did not get any ass, so he decided to come and see my roommate.

then the argument started ,..blah, blah, blah why are you comin now, are u drunk, and trust the naija homie(okay i confess, the guy is naija and my roommate is Jamaican, and yes, i did the arrangie unfortunately).

back to the story, he is arguing that he is not drunk, and he "misses her" thats why he came over, and he did not feel like driving to his place. see me see trouble.. i almost burst out laughing...missin kini
... the naija boy's lyrics are on point, he did the i was missin u so much line, then he added the guilt trip on my poor roommate she never had a chance., he kept saying she never wants to hang out, and when he makes time for her(....which is now 5am in the mornin) she acts like she dosent like him, and wants to break up.(not that they are officially dating cos, he has another naija girlfriend i know about) now my original gbeborun skills inherited from my darling egba/abeokuta mother were in full effect, i was definitely up,..... is this girl goin to fall that weak ass line....

ops too late,...i heard .."oh!" yes!..oh yes! yes yes..ah ahhhhh! "aaaaAAAAAhhhh!"..yes!",... by now i wanted to fall asleep so bad, but their sound effects was so loud, the guy was the funniest. smacking her ass like he was pounding yam(my roomate's ass is huge, she seniors omotola by a whole lot) should have heard him, slappin the ass,...smack!..Smack! ..Smack!..Smack! .
ori mi o, see my roommate's life, her under 21 boyfriend is slappin her 29yrs old ass,
what nonsense, whalahi, this boy, is younger than my sister, but again who am i 2 judge,

..anyway i finally fell asleep, ...hallelujah
then this morning, my roommate and i had this conversation

roommate: hi tsunami, you looked so relaxed, did u sleep well
tsunami: yes, for the first time , i just knocked out
roommate: hmmn , did u hear anythin last night
tsunamii: acting what, did our neighbors dog start barking again
roommate: nothing, i just thot you heard something not really, was i supposed to hear something,...(me laughing to my self,hahah now she is embarrassed, girl please, there is no shame in gettin your groove on).

moral of the story...pls God dont let me reach the age of 29yrs old and my younger cousins age mate will be smacking my ass , just becos am horny..
p.s not that my ass is big anyway.

decided to do the 7things

......i have had a lot of depressin things happening to me right , and i do not want to bore everyone, don't worry Baba God is handling it, the devil is a liar.

so i decided to join in on this meme thing , on the 7 things i do

1: i love to take long walks, i can do this forever, just walking, and walking and walkin. thats my own version of crack, it clears my head so much...

2:i put my hands in my hair a lot, so by the end of the day hair always looks so crazy and messed up ,true ... lol, i really dont care. its kinda relaxing and massaging for me

3: i love to cook, but i always tell guys i cant cook to save my life, this is a result of past experience,one of my ex boyfriends practically turned me into his personal chef, and even lists my cooking as my qualification as his girl, so i decided never again to cook for a guy,now i find it cute when guys cook for me...hmnnn now thats sexy

4: i dont date guys that am taller than, which kinda narrows the dating pool for me, eh stupid rule ..right

5: i have have huge crushes on Asian men, their hair is soooooo adorable.but for naija guys i love the "bald look" ..yummy chocolate muffin stud!

6: i am smarter than i often let on. this was instilled in my early years by my mum saying " tsumani...tone it down, you are not supposed to let a man know you are intelligent" before i used to get mad at this, but now i have embrace it, cos pple will underestimate you, and you can strategize..get it

7: am really not a huge clubbin fan, i would rather prefer, cuddling up at home and watch a good movie. kappish...guys take note all that dinnin out , movie theater, club hoppin is really 2 much,

am also soccer junkie..haha, officially am a Man U fan, sorry all you arsenal pips...boooo hoo , Man U 4 LIFE, and we are risin again......hahahaha
(p.s i look so cute in my jersey)

oky i cheated i decided to change it to 10 things..haha

8: i actually got admitted for Bsc in Fine Arts, but went for a career in finance instead..haha my mum was not having the "crowned princess aka first born " of the family go down that lane..haha, this girl got to have some earning potential.

9:i am addicted to cyber stalking naija sure am not the only one , doin this

10: i really want to go back home, i miss Lagos 4 sure.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

...late again to work

me am tired , this is the 3rd time i am wakin up at 7:35am , i have decided to conduct a studious and lengthy research about this, and as usual i visit the glorious and knowledgeable www.oprah .com for any information on sleep deprivation
1: i read that i should have a hot shower before i sleep to lower my body temperature..p.s will surely try this tonight.
meanwhile i am thinking, maybe it is this stupid satin sheets that is on my bed causing this wahala of sleep deprivation. don't ask why i bought the stupid sheets anyway its a long story,the person that fixes my hair said i should be sleepin with a satin pillow, all to save this my hair,so i went shoppin and the rest is history , i bought satin sheets , pillows and even a nitegown to never know when mr right might pop along..haha am kiddin myself

anyway i went all natural to work today, no time to straighten my hair. this my office pips they never seem to amaze me, anyway as usual all the white people said my hair looks fantastic..i should leave it like way tofiapa,WRONG! ,bring my nappy head to work and look unprofessional, dont you kno that straighten hair is a viewed as a reflection of your sophistication.

anyway finally flirted with the mail guy, he was voted unanimously as the cutest guy ever, by all the single and cute girls in the office, and as usual i volunteered aka was voted to tell the boy, me and my big mouth, at least he said all of us were cute too including me .haha blushing with my naija blackness...ori mi o, my head is swelling big time

still checkin my yahoo email, still no email of job offer, i really want this job, and i was so sure i got the job, haba the interview guy and i did the golf lingo, and he even said he will get in touch with me 2nd week in june, still no email, abi the guy did a fast one on me.i want this sooooo bad, oya i am assignin Baba God on this mission of removing all the kontoknoto disturbing this new job.
...dont worry i will send a polite email,to confirm if i am still in the runnin for the job, abi they have decided to drop me like a hot potato, i tire oh

anyway have to go for a workshop organized by my skool for international students..oh God plz help me to keep my big mouth shut and not raise any questions that will make people uncomfortable ..the are some of my examples
1: why has the admission ratio of African students dropped rapidly , ratio of 2 africans for every class
2: what measures are in place to assist Africans who are being exploited by employers.e.g benefits ,social security taxes..and so on

..on another note...the guys in the office took a picture and put it on the wall, i know for a fact that everyone was waiting for me to comment,fellow bloggers i was strong, i kept my mouth shut , all i said was frank's head was "sweaty" kappish. i am growing wiser with my words with each day
but truthfully the picture was hilarious , all the guys posing like they were correct people and the had the guts to put it on the wall.
i trustfully felt shamed for them ...why
one of the guys rolled up his sleeves to show his tattoo, so 90's, olodo
the second guy went to stand beside his tall friends, showing of his acute shortness, orombo
another guy just looked comical
my oga , is another case, at least he wore sunglasses.
then the other guy had sweat dripping down his shaved head(not that am complaining , i have a thing for baldies)but this guy's sweat was drippin..drip! drip! drip!
am not being bitchy, just truthfull, i am a strong supporter of the value of a honest opinion no bullshit, as long as its not vindictive am cool.
and that was my day in a nutshell.

..blogville idols...go and vote

..everyone needs to visit that page and vote
just clink on this link //
i will post all my comments later, i gotta run, i haven't finished listenin to all the contestants

Monday, June 11, 2007

but why,....4 hours in church!

...this lockdown thing on no dating untill november is really gettin to me. am tryong not to be 2 explicit here, but all i can say is that, i had a dream and i raped a guy, utterly ridiculous, i have to find something to fill my empty mind is the devils workshop
..went to my roomate's church, it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long, goodness gracious from 11am -4pm, kilode.
me am used to my regular white baptist church, service 10 am, 10:30 announcements/testimony, 11-11:45 sermon, 11:45-12pm prayer
12pm we all go home kapish
but noooooooooo, this black church tire me, 11 am bible study, 11:30, 12pm, 12:30 1pm still testimony and announcements, , by now my hunger is becoming life life am thinking when exactly is this sermon goin to start.
finally 1:30 the sermon starts, you should have seen me, am lookin at all the doors for a quick way of escape, i would have gone , but i remembered the church is right inside downtown, translation plenty sketchy people walkin on the streets. no way toyin tomato is gonna go down in a drive by shootin, so i stay in the church am maintain my hunger
2:30pm now sleep is callin, this is the sleep that i know for sure i will not wake up, even if the pastor shouts "amen"so i finally decide to write my grocery list, i finished that in 2 mins.
this pastor has still not finished, yepa!
finally the service is over and i hear that there is food downstairs , perfecto!, then they announce again that there is a workshop after the lunch .you trust me, i just signaled my roommate that i am cuttin out after the lunch, no workshop for me, thank you.
i no, dont tell me , i am already americanized, becos am complainin about how long church was, dont worry thats why i kno i wont last a week at the redeemed in my area.
how come nothing funny is happening to me, i think the blogging thin is ruining my mojo..haha

Saturday, June 9, 2007

...Am Back

sorry for being MIA, its such a long story, anyway where do i start from,

first of all,i just found out i am taking the class of Prof L/"worst professor" next fall, me and this guy have had so much drama, even my dean knows about this, but the funny thing is that i did not cos the drama , it as usual me and my "gbeborun" mouth that always puts me in trouble, but am not sorry, its is the yoruba part of me, that makes me put my mouth in everyone's biz ness even if its not my concern
...okay here is the conversation. my first interaction with the"worst prof"

location: 6pm, 1st day of ...securities and investment class

worst prof: welcome class, blah blah blah, introduction story, then he practically lists all his achievements, 2 masters, 2 different PHD's , written 12 books on investment, on the board of this and that, governin council of the CFA(chartered financial analyst)like CPA,and so on, by now i was so bored,this guy was bullshitin 2 much , then he stated authoritatively "i am more intelligent than the average American"

me/toyintomato: hehe, kilari, kiloshele, inteligent kini, what this did guy just say..what! more intelligent,intelligent ko, intelligent ni, so i smiled and raised up my hand, and calmly said.."excuse me prof, i tend to disagree with that statement, what measurement did you use to reach that conclusion"...dont even ask i kno, what is my own with defending Americans, am i not Nigerian,

worst prof: his reply, the average American does not study higher than high skool, writes no less than 1 book, blah blah blah.

then me: i said, am sorry that isnt a valid conclusion, cos there is no standardized study of the average American now, i kno i should i have just shut up my mouth, but nooooooooooo, my yorubaness had to show itself, in full force..the original busybody.

worst prof: he said, do you know, how many boards i sit on, blah blah blah

me/toyintomato:..then i know, it is more plausible to state that you might me more intelligent than the average American only in areas related to the finance industry.

worst prof: he smiled and said"i will remember you"

..and thats when all the palava/drama started, he picked on me in class, to answer questions all the time, it got so bad, that i had to tell my adviser, that i wanted to switch classes, that i was scared he might be biased in his grading,
anyway..from that period, the guy and i have had problems,
so now am taking him again this fall, so i got all the text books he uses, and i am reading like a mug.
cuz i know the guy is so goin to pick on me, so i want to be prepared.
and thats is the long version of why i have been Mia..missin in action, but am back..

Friday, June 1, 2007

documented effects of alcohol and me

first.. of all a big thanks to all the comments, i will try to reply to most of the comments.(i am still figuring out how to do that..haha, u know i am slow when it comes to computer things)

....yesterday, it was so hot,i took a power nap at 5:30pm and eventually woke up at 9pm, so obviously i wont be able to go back to bed..
i called everyone i knew, about suggestions on things to do that will make me fall asleep.
here is the list of the suggestions...
1:my pal , said i should drink hot cocoa..i did not work.
2: heard i should watch a boring movie ..dat also failed.
3:i even tried random reading of blogs..i was still awake
4: heard i should eat till am stuffed, had pancakes, potatoes, pasta aka spagetti..i only ended up in the its 2am , no sleep yet
5:read my most boring text book, which has never failed to knock me out, i calculated all the formulas on hedge fund strategies, option pricing analysis...etc ....i still didn't fall asleep
6: went thru my phone,called my ex-booty call, he did not pick up.....yeye boy.
7:counted , like that ever worked,.... abeg, i stopped counting at 85,495sheeps

..then my fantastic roommate suggested, i drink a Smirnoff(beer), because i will surely fall asleep..this is the story behind that dad, is a correct drinker, he can drink from "officially 12pm at work" to 9pm at a beer parlor. no form of alcohol is safe from him...big stout aka odeku to star..aka sunshine,jony walker and even paraga and still be okay to drive back home, have an intelligent conversation with a police man,argue that badagry pips are the original lagosians and not isale eko pips,do my homework with me and still show no effects of alcohol.
...but nooooooooooooooo, of all the things he should pass down to me, he failed me at that. if i should take a sip, of anything alcoholic, i start acting like am on some serious alabukun overdose
below the 10 things i usually do, when i take a sip of alcohol
1: slurring on my words
2: shouting and ask everyone around if i am shouting
3: flirt with everyone in sight even girls
4: dance like there is no 2morrow, even if the music is not playing
5: try to have an intelligent conversation on determining the sex of ants, and its relation to political tension in Nigeria
6: discuss "with myself" which African president is the Most ugly...........any suggestions
7:talk with anyone who cares to listen, on how if you swim from Boston you will eventually get to the beach in Lagos
8:eventually start doing a strip tease.....i dont believe this, but my friends have a video tape they promised to use when i become the Nigerian finance minister.
9: throw up everything i have ever eaten in the past year, ranging from amala and efo riro to my Chinese vegetable fried rice.
10; and Finally i pass out and cant remember shit when i wake up

so it was with so much disappointment that i finally realized, my dad did not pass on his alcohol tolerance trait to me...
with all the past documented alcoholic related events of my 26 years of living, i made a mental note to myself..not one sip of alcohol, even if someone calls me an egbe,slacker, or a party pooper. i am usually on a natural high, i dont need alcohol to make me "higher"...
say no to peer pressure, yeah rite, who am i

....with the known effects of alcohol and me, my roommate suggested i drink a beer to fall asleep,i drank just a little bottle, and as usually, i banged on her door, made an ass of myself and fell asleep..finally!.

..its 7:10 am i cant wake up, i have a hangover, i cant feel my legs, i feel so slow, am i ever gonna get to work today...i hit the snooze button again, its 7:24am, there is no hope 4 me..the devil is a liar!, over my dead body tofiapa , i will not ruin my perfect resumtion time of 7:55am sharp nigerian time...
so i did not go to work, i called in sick today, so i have to go in to work 2morrow/Saturday to finish my projects...i am definitely not happy about clubbin, no hanging out, this friday sucks..
...moral of today, try , try and try again, i am still trying hard, to beat the effects of alcohol and me, i will survive, am i not the daughter of my father.."i have dream that one day, i will drink alcohol , and will not make an ass of my self, and not even have a hangover the next day, but for today all i can drink is "coke on ice"

i have no life insurance...yepa!

...why did this occur to me.
i drive a golf cart at work to get from one buildin to another, becos all the buildings are spaced far apart.
anyway , one of the golf carts had axle damage and had to be repaired, so i offered to pair up and share my cart with my co-worker aka the new girl.
dats when palava happened, she offered to drive, i gave her the keys, then kata-kata burst.
she was driving like she was on crack, we were all over the place, she couldnt control the steerin, did i mention she also was driving with one hand, also she never used the brakes,she never stopped at stop signs, cars were screeching to avoid hitting us. life flashed before me, who is gonna inherit my shoe collection, what about my expensive ass text books, i still havent watched ocean's 13 teen, commin out soon i goin to die in a stupid golf cart, and it dawned on me, i dont have a life insurance policy.

anyway i calmly smiled and told her, to please take me back to the main office buildin that i forgot somethin, i ran to my boss, and screamed that why was i paired with .."an accident waiting to happen",she then told me the new girl dosent have a drivers liscence.

...ori mi o ( my head oh) this woman wants to kill me, i am surely gonna die today 4 boss then said i should teach the new girl some pointers on how to drive, reply "no way in hell".
i told them i am goin to walk to all the buildings, i went to ife, walking is our life,i walked from moz hall to class, from moremi hall to pharmacy dept... i can even walk to mountain Kilimanjaro if the need be.
..soo the moral of the story, i carefully avoided the new girl and her driving skills, i walked thru out today, i now have sunburn, cuz i did not use sunscreen.
but i am happy i am the first child of my family, the crown jewel, i am not prepared to die now, and besides i dont even have a life insurance policy, typical naija mentality..hahahahahah....rolling on floor

p.s...its not that i did not want to help the new girl out, the girl really was a difficult person, and i did not want to deal with her, there is also a bunch of liabilty crap from my job, if shit happens to the golf cart while i am teachin her to drive.
besides also this is America, everyman for himself, i aint her family, ...shooooo