i am tired

..to say i am tired is an understatement, ..so many things are goin on right now, so i am just goin to ramble, please bear with me. my brain/thots have no order right now.

my God father said i should come home, i think he and i have a kindred spirit, he said i need a break.
i changed my mind about applying for my Phd , i really hope i dont regret it later, i will postpone it until 2011.
my undergee, is mad, he wants me to do the Phd, i think he wants bragging rights with his friends, or maybe not, he really isnt like that, he has always supported my drive to succeed, so why is he mad??
i have never had a break, its either skool, or one professional exam or the other, i am forever studying.
i wish i can earn a job as a window cleaner. i don't want to think, i don't even want to be rich, i just want to exist..does that make sense.

anyway, i am job searching now, i need a job by December, why am i not looking forward to this.
i can feel my grades slipping, my hope of 3 A"s is gradually slipping to 2 b's and 1 A, i need to wake up, but i am tired.

i know i have gained weight, but i am tired, i dont feel like doin anything.
....one of my family friends committed suicide, everyone is scared, i know i am not depressed, i am just tired.

maybe, i am tired of living up to the standards, my sister calls me the golden child of the family, ..blah..i motive all the other kids, i am tired of motivating people.
i cant go home yet, i have to do all the numerous other professional exams i promised my mum i would do.

i heard i have to loose more weight becos everyone is expecting me to look on point when i get home,

there is a guy in naija calling me, i know he is bullshitting me, why is he callin me??, i know he has a girlfriend in lagos, i heard he told everyone that i am supposed his yankee girlfriend..nonsense guy.why is everyone hyping me up.

i have to by my ticket to go to atlanta, i dont feel like going, my family is going to be showing me off, i am tired

i want to be just regular, i want to fail, i want to be kicked out of skool, i want the horrible boyfriend that nobody likes, i want to be fat. i dont want to be someones dream.i am tired.
i know i sound a little ungrateful, baba God i really am so sorry.

i wish..i would wake up from this dream i made for my self and be just me.