my naughty grandmum

... reading the ever hilarious bimby's latest post, summer of 89, reminded me so much of my grandmum. i decided to write this....

one sunny day, my mummy toyintomato, told Alhaja Surulere, no more speakin of yoruba to this child, i dont want her to have a yoruba accent...(p.s i think my mum just read one of those nonsense child development books, my mother is like this, 2 much education jargon)

..the problem: Alhaja Surulere aka my grand mum does not understand a word of English

being that toyintomato and Alhaja Surulere were pretty close, we reached a compromise, she would speak her correct Abeokuta Yoruba with me, i would reply in my perfect private school queens English..kappish

...the problem: most people usually assumed i didn't understand a word of Yoruba.....hahaha

..and so the drama began.
one perfect Sunday evening, Alhaja Surulere's association of jobless women whose kids pay for everythin, were discussin the next official color of their gele/head tie, the debate was over gold and green, or pink and silver gele.the argument was tough, some people did not have any lace to match either color (hint, thats my grand mum, and so she was tryin to find a way to disrupt the meetin)

..hummin away to nothin particular, walks in toyintomato with a whole mug of dry milo and powder milk, chewing away with no care in the world.

ehh ,what is this?.., the Association women, were in utter shock!, what is your grandchild eatin, ehh, she is goin to spoil her teeth.

my grand mum smiled, and said, maybe you women, should just tell the child,thats how toyintomato was forced to join the meetin grudgingly and reluctantly abandoning my wonderful cup of dry milo and milk, then my grandmum said, by the way she does not understand yoruba..

the 3 oldest ladies burst out screammin, ehh kin, ko gbo, ..she dosent understand what, how???, why, how did you let this happen to your first granddaughter.. ..what a shame!, so its only englis she speaks, how will anyone know she is from the south?

My Grandmum replies: her mother refuses to teach her.

total confusion catched the women, how are they goin to relate to this child......so thats how translation woman, volunteered, she told the other ladies that she had 4th grade/primary 2 education so she was the most knowledgeable in the speaking of English language.
....so she the tried..

association women: aburo=child, you know powder mik,is fery bad 4 your mouth(with heavy yoruba accent)
toyintomato: noo way, this milk is perfect, gives me calcium, sugar for energy, and even contains all the recommended vitamins for healthy bones( said in perfect queens English with fone)

association women: so fun=tell this shild she will have jedy-jedy
the woman translating :toyintomato, shey, u know dat sickness, wish cosin belly pain sickness eferywhere, all and arounds te body

i am holdin my toungue , tryin really hard not to laugh, meanwhile my grand mum is givin me the "if you talk look"...instead i ask..." what type of pain is this?"
translatin woman: ehmn, the sickness, that iya sikira's shild haf last week.
me: that was just constipation.
association women: hmnn ko ma gbo= she is not understandin...., kilamashe=what are we goin to do

....the translatin woman is trying her best, thinkin very hard , analyzing the subject-verb agreement on the words she is goin to use to explain this illness to me, finally she smiles....

translatin woman: oya toyintomato, does you kno, about Agbo-jedis?..(thats the bitter stuff made with alcohol and different plant roots/extracts and herbs)
me : what is this jedis?.....(i added my queens English fone, for emphasis......lol)
translation woman: jedis is sickness, cauzin you to run fast to shalanga, ehm toilet
me: no way , i use laxatives every sunday, my system is perfect .........( referring to the exact same agbo jedy we are talkin about..hahaha)

..by this time, the lady translatin was already frustrated, she asks my grandmother...klass wo lowa= what class is this girl in skool,this her englis, is not the same , i kno.
....with sweat pourin from her forehead, concentrated determination, and mastering all her primary 2 english education words she sighs with resignation and says....

...." omo yi=this child, ...jedis is goin to cash you, vefy plenty. you will sare ehmn run to toilet, and shit will will be poring..purrrrrr, gburrrr, skphurrrr, raptartapgpatttt, without control from your yansh...

...clap! clap! clap!, the other women started congratulating the lady translating on her English skills, the woman translating then ended with this thank you speech. ....thanks you eferyone, that shild wans to senior my englis ,lai, lai, nefer , me iya modinot, wife number tree, sowed thats i ams still educasion, evens if, it is primarys 3 , longs time ago.

....my naughty grand mum, was giggling all this while, knowing fully well, i could understand every single word of yourba , they were all speakin., but she was happy that she had distracted the meetin from the color of gele topic..lol

(p.s : i think jedy-jedy = pile/dysentry, am not really sure,
Abgo -jedy= herbal combination of alcohol and plant roots, barks leaves /extracts and herbs used for preventive /cure for infant dysentry, ususally very bitter )